MasterSelf Year One Page 11

  If you can get this mentality down, you’ll start to influence others to do the same. A great example of this is my unwitting test subjects, my roommates (who can take this up with me if they ever read this article.) When I first moved in, I started doing the dishes (because I, for whatever reason, genuinely enjoy doing the dishes most of the time.) Over time, we went from having a sink full of dishes constantly to being able to keep the sink mostly empty. Then, I started moving further out into the rest of the house. I cleaned the kitchen, the living room, my room, etc.

  What I learned was that my theory was a success- both of my roommates recently completely cleaned out and redecorated their rooms (which was more of a feat than you may think,) all without anything but having set the example (and some occasional light prodding) from me. The big takeaway here: when we make things better, we inspire others to do the same. Complacency must be fought everywhere we find it, not with complaining but with action. See a mess? Clean it- even (and especially) if it isn’t yours.

  If your goal is to have a clean house, accept that no one will do it unless you do- then do it, because it’s the right thing to do. This is a foolproof strategy, and it works for everything. Your actions have consequences, and how you are perceived by others, for better or for worse, has an effect on those who perceive you. This is an immutable law, but if you understand it, you can make it work for you. All that’s left is to decide what you want, and I, personally, want to leave it better than I found it.

  Talking Body: 5 Easy Body Language Secrets for Beginners

  I am a firm believer that a good understanding and awareness of body language is probably the closest we can come to actually reading the minds of those around you. It’s a pretty common statement that 55% of communication is body language, 38% is tone, and 7% is verbal- while that’s not exactly the case all the time, it’s still important to acknowledge just how much of our interactions come down to body language. Without further ado, here are five easy body language secrets that you can use in your everyday life:

  Everybody Cut Footloose

  As a rule of thumb, the further you get away from the head, the harder it is to lie with that part of the body. Because of that, feet almost never lie. Now, about 90% of the population is right side dominant, which means if you look at their right foot, you can figure out what they’re interested in. The dominant foot generally points towards the object of a person’s current interest, and the angle between the feet indicate the scope of that interest. If both feet are angled apart widely, the person is likely interested in what’s going on around them, or perhaps inviting others to the conversation. However, if both feet are parallel, they’re almost exclusively interested in whoever they’re pointing at.

  Building Walls

  When you’re thinking about body language, it helps to take it all somewhat literally. If someone has their arms or legs crossed, imagine that they’re putting up a wall between themself and the outside world. Now, there are a few exceptions (if it’s cold, or if the leg crossing is related to modesty,) but regardless, you’re going to have a hard time convincing someone of anything if they have a wall between the two of you. One way around this is to put something into the hands of the person you’re talking to- this is why they give out pamphlets at lectures, by the way. If you’re going to get someone to let you in, first break down the walls between you.

  On The Other Hand…

  Hands are probably the most expressive parts of the body after the face- and there are a ton of different possible meanings behind the many, many gestures they’re capable of. A large number of our hand gestures are related to whether or not the hands are concealing a weapon. This is partially why people seem less trustworthy with their hands in their pockets- maybe they have a knife? On the other hand, arms held out with the palms facing up looks welcoming and trustworthy- it says, “I have nothing to hide.” On top of that, a downward facing palm is more intimidating than an upward facing one- think of the difference between Jesus holding his arms out, palms up versus Hitler holding his arm out, palm down.

  The Eyes Have It

  Eye contact is such an important indicator of trust- nobody likes someone with shifty eyes, or a person who won’t look you in the eye when they’re talking to you. It’s a matter of respect- because it shows that you see “eye to eye.” If there’s someone who you’re looking to piss off, try looking just above the center of their eyebrows- it will make them very uncomfortable because it comes across as condescending. If you have trouble making eye contact, try looking at the bridge of the person’s nose, they can’t tell the difference. If you end up catching a person looking from one of your eyes to the other, then down to your mouth, they just might want you to kiss them (it’s called the triangular gaze.) Whatever you do, watch the eyes- they’re the windows to the soul for a reason.

  Keep Your Head in the Game

  You might not think about it too much, but there are a number of things that people tend to do with their heads that can let you know what they’re not saying out loud. Because it takes quite a bit of energy to hold up, we’ll tend to support our heads when we’re tired or bored. Make sure you don’t confuse the thinking hand on the chin for the “please let me leave” hand on the face. Keeping your head steady and upright, on the contrary, is a signal of authority and dominance. If you speak to someone without moving your head, you indicate that you’re calm, controlled, and in a position of power. Touching the top of the head can be a self-comforting signal (because our parents patted our heads as children to calm us down.)

  That’s all for now. Now go people-watch and practice until you’re a master of body language!

  On Confidence and Arrogance

  I often find myself thinking about the difference between confidence and arrogance. Where exactly does the line lie? On the surface, you may think that it’s a simple distinction, but that’s the trick of it- the closer you look, the more the two seem to blur into each other. We’ll start by trying to define the two:

  “Confidence is not, ‘They will like me’. Confidence instead is, ‘I’ll be fine if they don’t’.”

  -Christina Grimmie

  This is the closest to what my personal definition of confidence has always been. So many times in life, we end up caring so greatly about the thoughts of others that we end up losing ourselves in the process. The only thing that can come from losing yourself is that you’ll end up resenting those who aren’t lost, and that’s a bad way to be.

  “Conceit is bragging about yourself. Confidence means you believe you can get the job done.”

  -Johnny Unitas

  This quote illustrates the distinction between the two almost perfectly- arrogance is primarily a performance for others, while confidence comes from within one’s Self.

  “Confidence in others’ honesty is no light testimony of one’s own integrity.”

  -Michel de Montaigne

  This quote is a bit of a tangent, but the sentiment is perfect- an honest man expects honesty from others, while a dishonest man expects the opposite.

  “There are two kinds of pride, both good and bad. ‘Good pride’ represents our dignity and self-respect. ‘Bad pride’ is the deadly sin of superiority that reeks of conceit and arrogance.”

  -John C. Maxwell

  Again, we see here that confidence is primarily something concerned with the self, while arrogance comes from the insecurity of someone comparing themselves to others.

  “An arrogant person considers himself perfect. This is the chief harm of arrogance. It interferes with a person’s main task in life – becoming a better person.”

  -Leo Tolstoy

  The irony of arrogance lies with the fact that it’s a facade to cover up a lack of confidence, while confidence is something that comes from an honest appreciation of one’s own shortcomings. The arrogant man pretends he has no flaws, but the confident man is so despite his flaws.

  “Confidence is when you believe in yourself and your abilities, arrogance
is when you think you are better than others and act accordingly. You could say that arrogance is false confidence and that the person displaying it is overcompensating for their inner inadequacies.”

  -Stewart Stafford

  This is an excellent reiteration of the same point, and arguably the best definitions that I found in my search for quotes.

  “Success can breed all kinds of other behavior and cause companies to behave a certain way that isn’t necessarily the ingredients for achieving more success. For instance, with success comes arrogance, and that’s typically the death of success.”

  -Bob Iger

  One important thing to note here is that it’s much easier to move from confidence to arrogance than the other way around. It’s all too common that a few victories come with the fatal feeling of invincibility- pride comes before the fall.

  Now that we’ve distinguished the two, let’s expand on the subject a bit. We understand that confidence is quiet because it has nothing to prove, and arrogance is loud, because it’s the demand for external validation. Arrogance, in that sense, is one of the greatest signs of narcissism- because the narcissist has a void within them where true dignity and self-respect should be. They cover this void with a porcelain mask. While the mask is very pretty to look at, it is cracked by every slight, perceived by others or imagined by the narcissist themself. The only way to repair the cracks is to tape over them with validation from others, and this is where the arrogance is born.

  “Arrogance on the part of the meritorious is even more offensive to us than the arrogance of those without merit: for merit itself is offensive.”

  -Friedrich Nietzsche

  Nietzsche illustrates this perfectly, although he seems to have been aiming to make a slightly different point. To the insecure, narcissistic, and arrogant, any victory for another is a threat to their own self-worth- “merit itself is offensive.” Weak men loathe the success of others, while the strong man basks in it- knowing that a rising tide lifts all ships.

  “Surround yourself with people who support you. Find champions.”

  -Sarah Gavron

  Perhaps the most important thing that I have learned about confidence has come from not having it. In those times when I have failed or felt myself to be lacking, I realized that I could either delude myself by imagining that I was special and superior to everyone else, or I could accept that I have room to improve and pursue that improvement constantly. This is the secret to building confidence and destroying arrogance- honesty. By knowing yourself truthfully and choosing to confront your demons and your dark side, constantly, you will not be able to fall into the trap of arrogance.

  The continuous process of self-reflection that honesty brings will, time and time again, present you with new opportunities to improve- and you will be too busy working to improve yourself to be concerned with appearing superior to others. This will make you competent, and, in the words of champion gymnast and author, Dan Millman,

  “Competence breeds confidence.”

  Now go breed some confidence.

  Thoughts on the Thoughts of Others: Opinions, Conformity, and Individualism

  “Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.”

  -Oscar Wilde

  To be clear, I want to acknowledge the irony of my using that particular quote as an article opener. That being said, Oscar is right, in this instance. Far too many in this world never actually become real- they remain reflections of friends, shadows of family, and imitations of those they would strive to impress.

  Of course, that’s not you- you’ve never held your tongue for fear of being impolite or out of place. You’ve never claimed to like something you don’t, or disliked something you do like to more easily agree with someone, I’m sure. On top of that, you’ve never stopped yourself from standing up for what you believe in- when you know that no one else does. Right?

  In reality, we have all done this- and (I would argue) anyone who claims to say otherwise is very likely socially illiterate. It’s perfectly normal, and absolutely common- but what is normal is not inherently good, and what is common is far too often wrong. Simply because the default state of our lives is one of compliance and conformity does not mean that this is where we should remain- in fact, we must actively fight to move on from this place.

  Before we can move, however, we must first understand our position. In reality, we can never know the thoughts of another, all we end up with is what we think others think about us. One good way to illustrate the degree to which this is true is to consider how often you spend time thinking about other people. It’s almost certainly less time than you spend thinking about yourself, correct? Now, because egocentrism is a universal human trait (and rightly so), we can apply that as a rule of thumb to others- they think about you in about the same level of detail and for the same amount of time as you think about them. What’s more, when you think about others, it’s almost certainly in some way related to yourself- so and so will hate me if I say this, they’ll love me if I act this way, they see me in such and such a manner.

  This knowledge isn’t useful unless you temper it with the understanding that, because of your inherent egocentrism (which is not inherently bad), you are guaranteed to assume that others care about you (and what you think) to a far greater degree than they actually do. In other words, no one cares about you as much as you think they do- and that’s a good thing. When you accept the degree to which people really think about you, and you acknowledge that they don’t care nearly as much as you thought, you gain a degree of freedom that you didn’t have before.

  On top of the inherent disinterest of others, we can add another layer- the fact that it is impossible to have perfect knowledge of another person. Even if you watched someone their entire life, saw every interaction and conversation, you would still never have access to their thoughts. What this means is that no one, friend, family, or lover, will ever understand you perfectly in the way that we all so deeply desire to be known. More importantly, the knowledge (and acceptance of the fact) that you will never be known perfectly provides an even greater degree of freedom- if you will inevitably be misunderstood, then you can rid yourself of attachment to the desire to be understood.

  This is where individualism comes into play. With the knowledge that none shall know you better than you already know yourself, you will no longer be compelled to act with regard to the inaccurate, weakly formed, egocentric opinions that others may have of you. Every time you are presented with the impulse to submit your Self to the thoughts of another, understand that you are choosing whether you will live for that fragmented perception held by someone that will never know you truly, or whether you will affirm that your Self, as you know it, is worth being displayed in the best manner that it can- through honesty.

  I will presume that since you are here, dear reader, you seek to know your Self- and it is through the journey towards knowledge of Self that we gain value as individuals. While I would like to say that everyone is inherently valuable, I will not- because that line of thinking has become a bromide for the weak to validate their weakness. Instead, know that all people, including you, have the capacity within them to achieve value, real value- should you be willing to do what is required to find that. If you would choose to seek that treasure elsewhere, in the minds of others, you will never find it- and in the process lose the chance of ever finding it at all.

  Remember, the weak man concerns himself with the thoughts of others and ends up being thought of only as weak, but the strong man concerns himself with the journey and ends up being remembered in the legends as a Hero. Which path will you take?

  “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.
”

  -Steve Jobs

  Your Team Sucks: The Dangers of Tribalism (and How to Avoid Them)

  Here at MasterSelf, we’re pretty open about being die-hard individualists. Self improvement, is, of course, a solo endeavor. I can only assume that you, dear reader, are of a similar mindset, since you’re here (reading dearly). However, it seems that society as a whole is tending towards the opposite of individualism– collectivism (and its more dangerous cousin, tribalism). Collectivism is here defined as a cultural proclivity to prioritize the group over the individuals that make up the group, and tribalism is the cultural proclivity to prioritize those with a shared group identity over those members of the outgroup.

  Interestingly, there’s a good deal of evidence to support the idea that people are designed to live in small tribes- Dunbar’s number, or the number of coherent relationships that people can reasonably maintain, is estimated to fall between 100-230 total people, although often averaged as 150. Once groups get larger than this number, in-fighting begins. A great example comes from Malcolm Gladwell’s fantastic book “The Tipping Point.” Gladwell discusses the case of the company Gore-Tex, who discovered that once their locations grew larger than 150 employees, internal problems surfaced. To overcome this, they designed their buildings to only have parking and workspaces for 150, and when they got too big, they would just build another location (sometimes even next door.)